Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
