no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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