She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
