Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
