My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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