By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
