these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
