I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
