My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize