Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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