I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
