I'm gonna have a badass scar
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
