haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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