I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
