what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize