I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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