felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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