Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
