i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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