I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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