If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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