I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
