I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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