Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
