I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize