her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
