So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
