I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
