shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
