Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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