Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
