did you get engaged???
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
