So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize