im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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