New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
