New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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