it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You should frame my arrest warrant.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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