So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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