sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
