wanna go halves on a baby?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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