I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
