your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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