dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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