How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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