meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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