The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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