Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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