Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
