what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
