so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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