omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
