We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize