I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
