Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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