Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
