You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize