since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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