So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
