well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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