After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
