apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
