Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Drake has all the answers
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