Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
