i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
