were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
