Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
