I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
