This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
