we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
