there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
