Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
